Tomorrow I will be 30 years old. If anyone ends up reading this, I'm sure your first thought is one that would look good with a colorful background posted on an inspirational pinterest board. Most people laugh and say, "you're still so young," "30 is the new 20!" and my favorite, "really?? you don't look 30!" I absolutely never thought the day would come when I wouldn't have a large, crazy countdown to my birthday and the inevitable birthday party I plan every year. I love the chance to see everyone and of course, I love the gifts! Gift giving is definitely one of my top love languages. Which on a side note, I feel the need to defend. It is not shallow to feel loved when you get gifts...for all you "words of affirmationers" out there...why do you need constant praise and reassurance?? I rest my case.
Okay so let's get all the positives out of the way. Yes, I lost a ton of weight and am so much happier living a fairly normal, healthy life. I also recently graduated from grad school and now have my Master's. And most importantly, I met a wonderful man that loves me and all my glitter E crazy ways. In October, I am going to be moving into a beautiful apartment with him and my pups. I have many amazing friends and family, who have all been wonderful and allowed me to cry about my elderlyness. But none of this really is about the actual age of 30...
At 30, I was going to be married with 2 adorable little ones and 1 on the way! I was going to be living a comfortable lifestyle with the job of my dreams and amazing credit (ha!). I would be helping children and families during the day and then coming home to my adorable, cozy, perfectly decorated home and family. This is the birthday that is making me evaluate my life and everything I have and have not done up until this point.
At (almost) 30, I have learned that not everything gets wrapped up into a perfect little glitter E bow. In order to get the job of my dreams, I had to struggle through grad school and now I am at the awkward stage of looking for jobs, being unemployed, and having too much time to sit and think about what I wish my life looked like at 30. I have had the honor to be involved in the engagements and weddings (one soon to be!) of my 3 very best friends, as they marry the men of their dreams. My brother proposed to his girlfriend (overlooking all of London-ugh hate/love them) and we are going to be a welcoming another cute, blonde into the family. My sweet and loving boyfriend has made me feel more supported and loved than I ever have in my life and has brought some absolutely amazing new people into my life, including his sweet daughter Faith. So what is the problem?
Change. I hate it. Good or bad, I hate change. I am sure if (he hates when I say that) I ever get engaged, I will be so happy but I will also have a very hard time with it. Change and transition just throw my world upside down. I like routines and comfort and having a plan. The unknown terrifies me. With all the unknowns in my life right now, I am just not ready to have the change of leaving my 20s. Anyone who really knows me, knows I am a talker. There are many people who already know that I have been dreading my birthday this year, I am not skilled in holding in emotions. The best response I have had to my expression of anxiety over this birthday was hands down from my 10-year-old cousin, Anneliese.
She saw me crying, as I was stressing about everything in my life that was wrong for a 30 year old, and when she asked what was wrong...I told her I was being silly but I just didn't feel ready to turn 30, yet. She did not tell me I was crazy, she didn't tell me to stop and she just gave me a big hug. She then sat quietly (playing with my hair...my favorite thing in the world) for a moment and said to me, "You know this year I had a hard time turning 10. I was nervous about being in the double digits. I realized that never in my life will I only be 1 digit anymore." It was the most perfect, precious and honest response I could have asked for from anyone. I realized there are just some people out there like Anneliese and myself. It may not be rational or understood by the majority of people, but it is who we are. It takes us a little bit longer than everyone else to embrace something new, no matter how wonderful and exciting the change may eventually be.
This post is not going to have a cute little wrap up about me embracing 30 and my knowledge that it will be the best year of my life...because quite frankly, I know nothing. I do not know how I will feel when I wake up tomorrow and realize I am 30 years old. I don't know if I will be happier after I receive gifts with inevitable glitter remnants that linger around for weeks. I have no idea if I would have been happier planning a huge 30th birthday party, instead of being mopey and telling everyone I wasn't going to celebrate this year. My life just happens to be in that weird awkward stage, just like my hair. You know, when you're trying to grow it out and you are so close to having long, pretty hair but currently it is in the unstylish "in-between" phase. I will just have to wait and see how things work out. Maybe my hairstylist, Sarah, will tell me I burnt the ends of my hair again and I will be forced into a new, cute, stylish haircut. Or maybe I will finally reach the point that my waiting and hard work pays off and I will get a job helping families and being one step closer to that life I've always wanted, with beautiful long hair, of course.
I guess I just have to keep waiting...I will live through this dirty age of 30. Why do they call it that anyway? Dirty 30 is the perfect analogy for my birthday this year. I literally and metaphorically have some cleaning up to do. I HATE when things are dirty. I want that clean, pretty, gorgeous life. Maybe it is a good thing that I have this chance to take a good, hard look at my life and clean up some areas that I am not comfortable living in. Maybe it takes a random birthday to evaluate life and make changes for the better, even if those changes will make things messier before they get straightened. Maybe I will just keep making up metaphors and no one will understand this post that made so much sense to me at the time when I was 29. So in the last day of my 20s...through all the upcoming dirt, I happened upon a little bit of sparkle. And this my friends...is what I call a game-changer.
Okay, so mayyyyybe I will be forced to acknowledge my 30th birthday because I found this adorable "Happy Birthday" headband at J. Crew Factory. I won a competition at work (competing with co-workers 5-10 years younger than me) and this was my prize. As you all know, if you read earlier in this post, I hate waiting. I couldn't possibly wait until 31 to wear this headband. I will never turn down an excuse to wear something glitter E in my hair. And...this is a headband for children, found in "crewcuts" which still fits my head perfectly. So maybe, just maybe...I will be able to focus on this glitter E cuteness and see through the dirty of my 30. Guess I will find out soon enough! <3 E
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