Instead, I face my 29th year with a world of unknown. I had to quit my job of 7 years to move on to my next chapter of student teaching. I have to come to the realization that I am not marrying the man I was planning my life with. When a doctor orders a test, I have no idea how I will get it taken care of with no health insurance. Owning a home and having a family seems like an unreachable, very far away, dream.
I don't know what this year will bring for me and that is terrifying. Anyone who has anxiety can relate to the fear of the unknown. And worse than the unknown, is the picture my mind can create of everything that can go wrong this year. I have a very active imagination.
This past year I've been on some horrible and wonderful dates but one really sticks out in my mind. When a guy asked me to drive to dinner, since he wasn't as familiar with the area, I gladly agreed. He got into my car and we were barely out of the driveway before he quickly turned my music off. When I asked him why he did that, he said... "Your music is too loud and it sounds like something a teenager would listen to. You're almost 30 years old, maybe you should start acting like it because that is very unattractive." I did what any mature "almost 30 year old" would do and I turned it up louder. Luckily, he said he was willing to still see me if I was willing to work on the things he did not like, one being loud music. Yes, this is a true story and no, I did not see him again.
The part that bothers me the most is what I did after this wonderful second date. I went home and cried. Maybe I do need to lower my music. Why am I doing this all wrong? Why didn't he like me? I cried for awhile and then realized...I really like my loud music. It makes me smile and dance and feel "teenagery" happy. I don't have a baby in the car or a sound system that is illegal so why can't I listen to my loud music? Well guess what sir, I can! I am very far from perfect and there are many things in my life that I am working on and trying to change. Music is not one of them and it does not need to be because someone else did not like it. I have to stop and ask myself "Am I okay with who I am and what I am doing?" If I am, who am I changing for?
I know I am jumping around a bit (focus is something I plan to work on in year 29) but, I recently had the amazing and awful task of telling children I work with that I am leaving my job. I am super excited to say that they are all ending services, which is a great thing and the goal for every child that receives mental health services. That means they are doing great and they don't need my help anymore. These are kids that I have worked with for 2, 3 and sometimes even more years! Naturally, they were anxious about the change (me too) so in typical weird Elizabeth fashion, I came up with a solution. I told my clients they would never have to worry because I would always be with them, literally...
Meet "Mini Miss Elizabeth"
The kids loved it and we all got a good laugh out of this hand-held version of me. After giving my last one away, I got in my car and was bummed that I had no mini-me left. This is SO typical of me. I realized this was so symbolic of a major problem I have in my life. I give all of myself away and don't have any Elizabeth available to take care of myself. I fought so hard to change that over the last year and I am writing this post to force myself back on track. My thoughts are out in the world and even if no one reads this, I know they are here. If I give all of my mini miss Elizabeths away who takes care of Elizabeth? The answer is no one. Sometimes the best thing you can do is be selfish and worry about yourself for a change. Only then can you truly help other people and be the best person you can be. So my first step of getting back on my glitter E track is going to focus on reframing my negative anxieties into positive hopefulness.
1. You lost 130 pounds this year...be proud of yourself.
2. Loud music and dancing makes you happy...do it as often as possible.
3. You helped a lot of children and their families in the past 7 years and you are going to help more.
4. You are moving on because you are getting your Master's degree and bettering yourself.
5. The life you planned is different now...maybe different can mean better.
6. You have no money because you're in grad school...trust that it will all work out.
7. Having a family will be so amazing because I have been waiting for the perfect one!
8. Everything is happening for a reason and embrace this exciting change with positivity.
9. Continue trying to be the best person you can be daily in every decision you make.
10. Save some mini Miss Elizabeth to make sure you are taking care of yourself.
11. Continue focusing on your health and happiness in balance with helping others.
12. Imagine how glitter E that first grade class will be by Christmas time!!!!
I hope anyone who reads this will take the time to reframe some of your anxiety into hope. Only 9 more days until my 29th birthday! I'm going to go do something for myself to continue celebrating 28! Love you all <3 E
